Thursday, June 19, 2008

PENNI was just here

Penni and family were just here for only 3 days. Penni ate at Dions twice one of the things she wanted to do. We all went to Santa Fe to the National Cementary. There was a head stone for her fathers grave. I have been so spacey for all the the things about his death. I have just shoved all of that stuff away and I haven't been able to look at it. We went on to Glorieta to the Prayer Garden it was beautiful. The flowers left a lot to be desired. The plantings up there were so great in the past years. Hubby would have been disappointed. The shopping in Santa Fe was great my only second time in Coldwatercreek. I found a beautiful blouse for Penni just her style and on sale too. Problemly my only purchase in that expense store. We all had lunch at La Fonta a large round table so good to have that much of my family together. We were only missing B and family. We had some pictures taken I hope they come out good. I am anxious to see them. I was worried that the day would be too emotional but we all did pretty well. in spite of all the high emotions. We all hurt so deep in spite of our trying to hold it all in. David just carried it off well he loves Penni so much to be able to do this for her. They are off on the airplane home this morning. I couldn't get up to see them off. The walking yesterday just finished off my knees and I am having trouble walking. Also, I was so short of breath up in Glorieta that my chest hurt from the panting I was doing.

I have an appointment for a head MRI today I hope I can do it without panicking. I am trying to tell myself that I have to try and take care of myself now but that is hard to do. I just know I can't take care of Penni any more and boy does that hurt. They found a knot on my thyroid I don't know what that means yet. Shari has offered to go to the MRI with me today.

Patio home is on hold until I get some figures from the contractors.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Life is moving fast

I have been seeing a counselor I am hoping it will keep me from having anymore meltdowns. I am hoping that will satisfy my primarly care doc. I don't want to take any anti-depression pills.

A for sale sprouted up a few doors from Shari. It turned out to be the same floor plan as hers but it has been rented for the last 5 years and needs some TLC. I am trying to get some idea if I can qualify to buy it. I may not have enough money to buy it and fix it up too. I thought I had a VA loan coming but I found out that I don't. If hubby had died of a disability I could have the loan but because he didn't the paper for the VA loan is worthless.

You spend almost 57 years thinking of both of us as one individual and it is hard to seperate yourself after hubby leaves.

I have these grand plans of how I could buy the house and finish my 3 months on this lease and have the house fixed up while I am waiting out my lease. I would like to move into a freshly fixed up house so that I don't have to do anything. Shari has been throwing cold water on all my plans saying that it should be a fixer upper and that I should wait to do the repairs until after I move in. Otherwise the buyers would want more money for the house after it was fixed up. I now am having second thoughts about buying it. I don't want them tearing up the tiles in the bathroom, and painting after I move in. No, the more I think about it the more I don't want to live in the house while it is being repaired. Oh well it was a good idea anyway.

Yesterday was my Birthday and I had tummy problems all the night before so my lunch out and dinner out was very unsatifactory. Penni and Michelle called and sang Happy Birthday to me I am so anxious to see them next week. We are planning a outing to Santa Fe and Glorieta. Pat and family took me to dinner. Melissa and I had lunch and shopped a little I bought a dress but I think I will take it back. Bruce called while we were looking at the house and of course he doesn't want me to buy anything for 4 years as the housing market will be going down that long. I may not be alive in 4 years.

Well like I say life is moving on and am I moving with it or standing still?