National Cementary

Maybe 20 years ago, Billie and I were attending one of our many Union Conventions. We were having breakfast in a lovely dinning room filled with windows. We could look across a busy highway and see the mist drifting over the tomb stones of the Santa Fe National Cementary. The peace that I felt in my heart was overwhelming. I said to to no one but with Billie listening I would like to be burried there. I later related that feeling and conversation to my hubby. He perked up and said he would look into it. I think he went to look for himself and felt the same way. Years later he tried to make reservations but they never admitted he had. Hubby was always so proud of the fact that he had served and spent 8 years of his life in the military. He would have been a career man but he felt God had other plans for him. He felt at one time it was in the ministry. But his ministry was with little ones, every time we met a former student of his they were always glad to see him. He made a big impression on everyone he taught, how much and what they learned we will never know but they did remember him. God used him to teach they little ones for 27 years. His ministry in a church was brief and short lived, his Alheimers took over and kept him from fulfilling that part of his life.

Hubby was so proud of being an old soldier. He worked so hard at the State Defense Force, he spent so many hours and so much effort into an organization that doesn't remember him or else doesn't exist any more.

I feel hubby is finally at peace and feels he is at last in a place where he is remembered that he did serve and with distintion. Santa Fe National Cementary holds many an old and some not so old soldiers. Among them are friends known and unknown, hubby and I went to some services there. Hubby was present at so many services for State Denfense Force friends, maybe they really are all gone. It is a comfort to know that John and Jean are already there waiting for us. Annie's hubby is already there and there is a place for her. How terrific that finally there is no secration and Annie and her hubby are as welcome there as the rest of us. Only in our lifetime has that come to past. I could not have made it through everything in Albuquerque if it wasn't for Annie. Great friends like that are hard to find.

I can't post about P yet the pain is too fresh and hard to bear.

Finally home

We finally arived home on September 10th. What would I do without great friends? I had a great friend drive me home. I was so afraid for Melissa and I to try it on our own. The three of us had a long trip. We didn't get to stop early enough and we were very tried by the time we found a motel to spend the night. We arrived home early on Sunday to a very good looking home. We spent 3 hours taking my friend to Love Field on Monday morning in a heavy rain storm. We then spent the rest of Monday at Baylor with P. P finally got to go home on Saturday. We were over their on Sunday watching the visiting nurse set everything up for P home care. I can't do any thing in getting the stuff ready for the night feeding through her tummy. I am so glad her mother-in-law can do all of that. I spent all day Tuesday and Wednesay with P trying to take care of her but I couldn't do much. Her hubby was out of town so I got to sleep on the sofa to just be with her. She doesn't need anything to eat. I have just been taking care if Michelle.

I am really concerned about the amount of home work they are giving to 2nd graders. It takes my grandaughter from the time she comes home until she goes to bed to get her homework done. She doesn't have anytime to be a kid. She seems to have block against spelling. No matter how much we go over and over her words she can't remember them. She sail through her math and reading. If she can read why can't she spell?

My friend here in Texas was over this morning. I called to tell her I was home and she came over. We spent some time in prayer and just discussing the current problems and my stress level. She is such a dear to be johny on the spot to help me in prayer and encourage me to just keep on keeping on. I tried to get Melissa to fix tea and cookies for us this morning while Elizabeth was here. She had no idea how to fix a tea party for the three of us. Elizabeth thinks I am graceful, I feel like I have gained so much weight that I am a clumsy cow.

I have been teasing Melissa that she is my Paid Ladies Companion. I just haven't fiquered out how to pay her. Unfortunately she has never read a Gothic Novel about the poor paid ladies companion and her mysteries. I'm going to have to find one so she can read it to me. I quess the time she is spending with me can be used in comon cent training and everyday home refinements. I am so afraid that I am wasting Melissa's life in staying with me instead of being in school or working.

Melissa tells me that we never had tea parties when she was little. I quess I was so busy with the Union that I neglected my grandaughter. The next trip to the grocery store we need little cans of bisquits. I've sent Melissa off to the postoffice and grocery store so we can have a tea party for dinner tonight. If P doesn't need me tomorrow we may go to the bookstore.

When it rains it pours

Trip back to Albuquerque was long and hard. Son drove all the way and I slept.



While I was checking into the motel P was being taken out by Paramedics. She was in the hospital for the funeral. What she said to me on the way out was take care of Michelle.

We had the funeral it went well, so many friends came, Bruce did a good job in conducting the service. The reception afterwards was marvelous I got see so many friends and visit with them. Liz at the Union office set up all the reception for me and it went so well. I still need to give her a gift for so much help. Talk about above and beyond the call.

I then spent to day in the hospital with a bowel blockage. Don't ask how that happened.

P flew home to Dallas and was in Baylor she is suppose to be home today. David and Michelle flew home and left me with the car to take home. I finally found a friend to drive home with me but we can't go until the Saturday after labor day. I am going to take Melissa home with me under a long contract of things for her to do.

Annie has been terrific in allowing me to stay so long. I am going to spend a few days next week in Farmington with Billie.

More later about my experience papering Albuquerque with Death Certificates.

Post

The only words I can think of to say to my hubby is
"Good night sweet Prince"

It's Over

Hubby passed away yesterday morning. here is his obit.

Died August 12 2007 he was born April some 70 years ago. He was U.S. Marine Corp veteran of World War II and the Korean conflict. Graduated with a MFA, he was a retired educator of 27 years. Volunteer of a State Defense Force with the rank of Colonel. He volunteered for the Red Cross and the Children's Hospital. He was also an ordained Baptist minister who was active in several churches. Services will be held in a National Cemetery. Surviors include his wife of 56 years, two sons and wives, a daugther and husband, one sister, 6 grandchildren, one great grand child.

Hard to sum up his life in just one paragraph.

Waiting with Computers

My living room is strange looking, I am sitting with both of my sons. We all three have our laptops and are doing different things. I am blogging, son one is doing research on his Dads family. Son two is reading blogs and I think blogging now.

Hubby has been in a deep sleep all last night, we all were poping up at different times to check on him. Pat and I changed him this morning and gave him more meds. He has been in a deep sleep sence then.

With number one son here it brings back all the trouble with the SBC and why we don't have the support of a local Baptist Church. All the time and effort hubby and I gave and all the rest of the family. Now when we need there help they are no where to be found. I am sure we are not the only one of the many many Baptist that are so denied the support they need.

I have told my kids never to do this again it is too hard. I know it has been the right thing to do for hubby. But just the being closed in the house and waiting for now 6 weeks has been too much. I could not have done it with Pats help, P and B have been here when they could. I have had there support or it would have been impossible. When my Dad died he was in a hospital and he suffered alot. They wouldn't let him have water it was bad for him and the pain was there you could see it in his face and his voice. With hubby here all you have to do is see the pain and you give him his meds and it stops. We have not allowed him to be in pain at all.

Another Day

P and I were up about 5:00 am with hubby. P had been up about 4:00 am given him meds tried to get him calmed down. She woke me up at 5:00 to help change him and get him up in the bed. He is so heavy that the both of us can't lift him enough to scoot him up in bed. He was so agitated we couldn't get him calmed down. He wanted out of bed, he told me " I know where to go, let me get up." He hadn't said two words yesterday, and he was so clear today. iI had to give him more meds including the cream that is suppose to calm him down. He is sleeping heavily now but is all scruned over in the bed. P has to leave about 11:00. Pat will be here later, I don't know if B is coming or not. I know I can't move him by myself, but I can give him his meds. I had to rub his legs until the meds took effect today to keep him in bed.

I have spent the morning reading blogs just to get out of the situation here. But it is time to face the music again.

Time is Near

Hubby is going down fast it was just Sunday he was playing balloons with Michelle. Monday night we started watching a John Wayne movie at 10:00 pm. He wouldn't let me turn it off to go to bed until it was over at 1:00am. Tuesday he got up and walked into living room to his chair. I couldn't get his morning pills down him or any food. He sat in the chair and slept off and on for a couple of hours. I ask him if he wanted to go to bed and he said yes. I had trouble getting him to stand up. I was holding by both forearms when I finally got him on his feet. He looked at me and said "Do you want to dance?" I had so much trouble getting him to walk into the beddroom. His legs didn't want to hold him up. He has been in bed since that time, but I can't get him to lay down. He is like the jack in the box. You lay him down and in just a few minutes he pops back up. He wants to sit on the side of the bed. This morning he was so close to the edge of the bed we were afraid he was going to fall off. P and I pulled and tried to pick him up. We finally tore the bed up pulling on the sheet to get him back on the bed and up to the head of the bed. The nurse and the aid or both suppose to be here today maybe they can help us get the bed straigthened out.

Hubby is just like he is in a fog. We can't get him to stand up or move when we ask him to he looks at us and recognizes us. His body and his brain are not working together. He doesn't seem to process what we say to him.

Pat is still in Albuquerque, he seems to be getting his leave straigthened out so he can be here for at least the next 10 days or so. P is taking time off work to be here with me Michelle doesn't want to be left out. I'm not so sure it is good for her to be here at this time but she wants to be with mom and grandma.

My shingles started being so painful yesterday and I am having to take more medication. Three a day instead of the two I have been getting away with. I just seem to be in limbo I don't know what to do most of the time. I just do things by rote, make the bed, put dishes in the dishwasher. We finally have hubby in bed and asleep. Maybe I can take a shower.

Hubby of the Night

We never know how Hubby will be in the middle of the night. One night he turned on all the lights in one end of the house at 1:30 AM. He was holding on to the door frame between the his bedroom and the bathroom. He told me he could see from there how to get in the bathroom and the bedroom. He was so lost, we couldn't get him to lay down in bed. He just wanted to sit on the side of the bed.

Another night he was awake about 1:30 AM and all he wanted to do was give me a hug and tell me how much he loved me. He was so clear it was a shame to try and get him to go back to bed.
I seem to be the only one that can get him to bed, I just give him a hug and kiss on the cheek or forehead and tell him good night.

I then lay awake and listen to the clock chime. The clock is a mantle windup clock with Westminister chimes on the quarter hour and the hour it gongs once for every hour. Hubby and I found the clock in a antique shop 10 or 15 years ago. Hubby bought it for me for Valentine's Day. The clock stopped working about 8 years ago, it cost me as much as the clock cost to have it fixed.

P wanted the clock and I gave it to her but her husband couldn't get use to it chiming at night. I ask for it as long as we are in East Texas. It's a very comforting sound to hear it chime at night while I am trying to get hubby to sleep. Hubby seems to have his days and nights mixed up or else he just have to stay awake after he has been asleep so long.

They are trying to make P go back to Alb. to school next week, we are going to try the Union tomorrow. As much work for the Union and APS as I did they have to give him some kind of leave when we need it.

As Time Goes By

The song title is "AS TIME GOES By". You can see posting at 11:00 is not a goo idea either.

Time Goes By

Pat and I are sitting here waiting as "Times Goes By". TV is impossible Pat had me expand the chanels on Dish so we can get all of them. It does give us a lot more to choose from. It's too hot to do anything outside the humidity is horrible. We are eating non stop and watching tv and dvd's. I feel like time and the world is passing us by. I have been spending some time on the phone with friends.

We are having a bad time managing the pain hubby is having. He is always rubbing his tummy saying that it hurts. His tummy is expanding rapidly, we are down to pj bottoms for trousers during the day. He says the pain meds are taking care of the pain at the top of his tummy but not the bottom. His tummy is so large I am really afraid of it popping. Pat thinks the mass is pressing on the scars from previous surgery. We are also afraid it is pressing on the bladder. Visiting nurse says she will keep us supplied with what ever pain meds we need to keep him comfortable. I hate to see him in pain until we can get the meds down him.

Pat and hubby are asleep. I have slept most of day so I am wide awake, I need to try to go to sleep.

Sorry about the last post, it goes to prove that posts at 3:00 AM are not the best. The year was 1953 when Pat was born not 1963.

About Pat I couldn't have done this without him. He has been here day in and day out, leaving his home, family and life behind to be here. He has gone home twice for book signings and to get text books for this coming year. He is going to send lesson plans for the first couple of weeks just in case I need him that long.

We have tried to get a time line and no one is able to give us one. Hubby is one tough marine and is holding on by everything in him. Everyone is amazing at how long it is taking. He is suppose to be sleeping more and more. Only he is awake more and more. It tears me up to see him in so much pain. Oh well I need to try and go to sleep.

A Humid 54 years ago

Yes, it was a very humid July in North Carolina of 1963. The Marine Corp as usual had left one of it female dependant in a pickle. I was that dependant a very pregnant wife with a 18 month old very active son.

Air conditioning was some thing you read about in the paper. TV was just making its way down the East Coast. I remember watching some black and white snow that had some moving figures in the back ground. That was TV and I was unimpressed.

We had purchased a green hassock fan, my feet stayed propped up on it day and night for a little relief.

I awoke in the middle of the night in pain, my very large tummy had shifted from protruding out in the middle to the side. I felt very, very alone even thro I had a toddler in the house. My husband had been send TDY to Washington DC area.

I waited until the men had had to report to work, I called my husbands office. Bob one of the men that worked for him and his wife Betty had been to our house many times playing Yatze. Betty was expecting also but not until after Thanksgiving. Bob came after my toddler, took him to Betty to be taken care of and took me to the base hospital. I had spent too much time on my feet and pulled a muscle allowing my whole stomach to shift to the side. The hospital put me to bed for bed rest. The reason why I was on my feet so much, I had volunteered to help with Vacation Bible School. Not for the love of Bible School but simply because it gave me a two to three hours with my toddler in someone elses care and me with a joyous time with adults. When you are at home alone with a toddler for weeks at a time you jump at the chance to do anything for relief. The Doctor that treated me recognized me from Vacation Bible School Commencement. This Doctor treated me like the best Christian he had ever know because I had done such a foolish thing. I stopped and looked at my reasons for being on my feet and why he thought I had done such a stupid thing. I very selfishly didn't tell him the real reasons.

Fifty four years later a very humid July in East Texas. I find myself very much alone in the middle of a night. This time I have a husband in another bedroom dying of a very large tumor. This tumor is growing day and night the only thing we can do for him is give him pain medication. This time I am really not alone the son I had put in jeopardy 54 years ago by standing on my feet. He is trying to sleep in another bedroom, he finds it hard to sleep at night and is watching TV. This son has left his family and spending time with me and his father while we are waiting on the dying process. Hubby is becoming more confused by the day. I am not sure he is aware of what is happening or why number two son is still here. People are telling us how much together we have every thing and we are so strong to be able to do this. What choice do we have but to do this, we try to think of every thing that has to be done and just do one day at a time. No we are not moaning an crying, I do have my moments of tearing up but we are trusting the Lord to take care of every thing day by day. No we are not waiting for the Lord to make the arrangements we are making them. The Lord just has to be able to get us through each day that comes and trust he know when hubby has had enough and can't take any more. All the grandkids but Steven have been here to say goodbye, we can't find Steven but just hope he sufaces in time. It was good to have all the kid, grandkids and great grands here. Tiring for hubby and me but they all have said goodbye. P and family should have returned late yesterday I am so glad they got to take this vacation as planned. They will be a big help now in sitting with hubby when we need to go out.

Thank heavens for air conditioning the humid is terrible, I am running the air conditioning night and day so I may owe my soul to light company.

Being Baby Sat

I know being a caregiver is like being a babysitter, but having someone with me is like bein baby sat too. Don't get me wrong I appreciate someone else bein in the house with me while hubby is so sick.

Yesterday I did a dumb trick, I had a litttle grease in a little frying pan. I put it on the stove to turn back to liqud. Hubby needed something so I took care of him and by that time the frying pan was smoking. Number one son saw the smoke and picked up the pan just as it broke into flame. It took me a few minutes to remember and find the flour to put it out. We both knew not to put water on the flames. Now number one son thinks its not safe to leave me alone. Number two will be here this afternoon he has moved his flight up a day.

Hubby is taking more and more pain medication. I had to put three patches on him today. The patches are only 25 mg so they aren't very strong. I have to keep giving him pain pills off and on all day.

We took hubby out to lunch yesterday. We took him to Dairy Palace to get his favorite Taco Salad. He ate the meat and cheese off the top and very little lettuce. We made another stop to check on my cell phone as usual no information available from them. Number one son is putting me on his friends and family plan that will save me about $50.00 a month. That will help when every thing shakes out. We also picked up the mail all this is a pouring down rain. We got home being very wet but it all worked out.

Funeral Arrangments in Advance

We are going today to the funeral home to get some questions answered. It seems really strange to be going to the funeral home in advance. It seems to be the only place I can get my questions answered.

I can't find any way of contacting the National Cemetery. I have been told that it is the responsibility of the funeral home to contact them.

P is going with me. I am really glad I am not going to be alone.

Changes becareful of changes they will change the rest of your life.

The lyrics to this old song keep going through my head.

Friday night after a trip to the er and a cat scan. We discovered that hubby has a pancreatic tumor. The tumor is as big as a watermelon. It has effected his liver and his lung. It is too big for an operation and chemo will just make him sick. The result regardless is terminal.

We brought hubby home yesterday and hospice came to enroll us today. Albuquerque son arrived today to stay and help me.

The old Roger Witaker son Changes keeps going through and through my head.

Nasty Blog

I am very unhappy with both of my sons. Last Sunday was Father's Day and neither of them did anything for him. I know he can't hear over the telephone but he can read. He may have ALZ but he is still aware of everything that goes on around him and he can hear. We went to church and he heard a Father's Day Sermon. He knew it was Father's Day, I even gave him a new electric razor for the day and he is using it.

Daughters family was sick so it was very quiet around hear.

Your fathers mind is a lot better than his body these days, I have been concerned for some time and now daughter is concerned too. We are going to try and get him in to see his primary care this week. Daughter wants to talk to the doc.

No Big D,eal

I have had several people tell me lately that I can doing such a great thing by taking care of my hubby while he has Alz. FiftySix years, seven months, and two weeks I have fixed breakfast for both of us, washed both of our clothes, cleaned the house we both live in, washed dishes or loaded dish washer. The only difference is that I now have to fix a pill box once a month for both of us. I have to keep tract of his medications, and doctor appointments. I have to do all the driving. I have to do all the thinking and make all the decisions, whether they are right or wrong.

Why would I make any big changes like putting him in nursing home. The extra things I do, are not that big a deal. I can't see changing my way of life because of the few extra things I do. The biggest deal is not having anyone to share this with. I don't have anyone to talk to but sometimes I should listen to him more. He told me on the way home from Las Vegas that he didn't want to go any where any more. He just want to stay in the little home we have created here in East Texas and rest. This time I think I will listen to hime and we will stay at home. All of the kids will have to come and see us.

Hme Again

We are home again, thank heavens, air travel is very stressful.

We didn't get to leave without a product of the last two stressful weeks of May. A couple of days before Sunday June 2nd I had a little rash across my cheeks. I just put some cream on it and forgot it. Sunday June 2nd I couldn't forget it my right eye was swollen shut. Faithful P got up early and took me to the emergency room at Kaufman. It was no brainer for the doc I had hive possibly from some of my medication. Cure massive dosses of preison. I was finally down to just 1 mg in the morning and 1 at night. Now we are starting over with huge mg's. I just looked like I had spent too much time out in the sun and we went on to Las Vegas. The air travel with Southwest is really the big bus line of Texas. Our flight stopped at El Paseo before our lay over in Phoenix. Our next stop was Las Vegas and our wheel chair was given to someone else and we had to walk to the baggage. Sister-in-law had our luggage and was frantily looking for us by the time we got to the baggage.

Our stay in Las Vegas was comfortable in a nice condo, the only problem was that they never came in to clean up, but we kept it up pretty well. We ate out all the time. We found Maloffs cancino the Palms it was huge. I tried to reach Phil but got tranferred time and time again so I finally gave up. Sister-in-law took us to Gardno's for a Birthday dinner. The time in Las Vegas was suppouse to be a rest. Well it was an enforced rest, we really needed it but was a pushed rest.

I picked up a easy sudoku book at one of our stops in an airport. I have worked steady and hard at learning to do this game. I think I have finally managed to do some of the puzzles, I'm on 65 and still going strong. I am really feeling proud of myself that I have managed to learn how to do the easy puzzles.

Our flight home was suppose to be a stright threw flight but quess what we had to stop at Amarillo before we could fly to Dallas. Our wheel chair met us and we were transfered to a moving cart. The cart could only go part way so we were dumped half way and had to walk the rest of the way to baggage. After we picked up the luggage was walked half of the way home to get the car. We have been trying to rest up since we got home, it's really good to be home. It seems very strange to not have Melissa with us.

Busy Two Weeks

Boy has this been a busy two weeks, I can't believe we have accomplished as much as we have in the last two weeks. P and I sat down and planned three parties two weeks ago. We had to cram a graduation into that time frame. P had two days of doctors appointments and tests, plus working.

Melissa had make up work and lots of home work. They really poured it on the last two weeks. Melissa had all the fun things that finish up senior year. She had prom, senior trip, and the receipe book and a english paper on Elizabeth, some questions she had to answer. Poor gal she really had her nose to the grind stone, while trying to do the senior play dates. Melissa's mom and dad were coming so we ask B and K from Oklahoma to come also. My 75 birthday is coming up shortly. We tried to plan a graduation party for Melissa but she wanted to take it over. She did a beautiful job of making invitation with rubber stamps, unfortunately her written on the invitations was hard to read, we even included a map as to how to find the house. She passed out 20 invitations some at church and some at school.

P made invitations for my 75th birthday tea party. I only gave out 4 invitation besides the family. The managers at the village, a dog walker that I had become friendly with, and our wonderful massage theaptists.

We planned a unbirthday party for M. She is the last one of my family that has the December 3oth birthday. That is a bad time to ask school kids to come to a birthday party. We planned a dressup unbirthday party.

Melissa's mom and dad arrived just in time to see her get dressed and drive off in the Tarus to her graduation program. The program was well documented with lots of photos. Family came home and collaped after the program.

Melissa and I had spent all day Thursday making tea sandwiches for my birthday party. P made the cake and tea. Saturday we went to P for my tea birthday party. It was good time. on P's back patio. The weather coorperated and was so pleasant it was hard to end it. All my kids were there and almost everyone I ask. One of our massage gals had to go the hospital with a family member.

After we left the tea party we rushed home and set up for Melissa's graduation party. We had to move it inside as the weather looked like rain. Re-arranged the living room and setup for about 20 kids. Only one adult one of the massage gals came because Melissa had worked for them some last summer. We had a great time talking and Pat, Melissa's dad and my author son entertained us with a history lesson.

We had M unbirthday party today, cupcakes, punch and lots and lots of candy as door prizes and game prizes. M passed out about 20 invitations and 6 very dressed up little girls arrived in long dress, hats, jewlery, boas, and high heels. They were not too sure how a unbirthday worked but they had numbers on pinwheels the picked out. They went one by one and opened a gift they could pick a new gift or the one that had been opened. Only one little girl was brave enough to take what had been already opened. I think they were all too curious what was in the unopened gifts. The little girls left with several bags of candy as well as a gift. I think the dressup unbirthday party was a hug success.

I told P that the two of us should go into a business planning parties. She said fine as long as some one else did the work. I'm not sure how that would work, I'll have to think on it.

Monday Hubby and I will be flying off to Las Vegas to spend the week with his sister and family. We are planning another birthday party and hubby's sister and have birthdays close together. I am hoping hubby can make the trip OK. I have ordered a wheel chair for him I hope we can make our plan change in Phoenix alright.

Next time I blog I will tell you all about it.